Enmeshment. Are you enmeshed?
Enmeshment: a relationship where boundaries between two people are blurred.
This relationship can be between parent and minor-aged or adult child. In parent-child enmeshment, they may consider one another “best friends”. Enmeshment in romantic or platonic relationships is like codependency, where there is an excessive need by one partner for emotional validation to the point of giving up their own wants or identity in the relationship. A few key identifiers of enmeshment are:
1. Lack of Boundaries: One or both persons in the relationship may feel a duty or an obligation to care for the other’s emotional demands. Lack of boundaries, or porous boundaries, is where there is a weak delineation between the two parties’ personal space or emotional well-being.
2. Over-Involvement: There may be an excessive involvement in the personal life of the other, including relationships, decisions, and feelings, while ignoring privacy or autonomy.
3. Unrealistic Expectations: There may be an unhealthy expectation by one person of the relationship that emotional (or physical) needs must be met by the other. In child-parent enmeshment, this is known as “parentification” of the child.
4. Guilt and Obligation: Enmeshment may include a sense of guilt in the unspoken (or spoken) responsibility a person might feel toward the other, especially a child wanting to meet the needs of a parent(s) to keep them happy; or a friend (or partner) who is afraid of “hurting their friend’s (or partner’s) feelings”.
5. Lack of Emotional Regulation: Difficult emotions may be more intense and more challenging to manage because one person’s feelings can overwhelm the other person’s capacity to provide support. For example, a parent may rely on the child for emotional or physical support, which can cause confusion about who is supposed to be the caretaker.
It is often the case where one person is insecure, and thus controls others in that emotional instability. Often because the other partner, friend, parent, or child has their own insecurities and craves validation, there develops a reciprocity of toxicity creating unhealthy levels of emotional dependency.
Enmeshment suppresses individuality and independence, often ignoring one’s separateness. This dependence is indicated by being overly invested in the personal life and happiness of the other person, and/or an insatiable need to know or to control what the other is doing. The challenge of enmeshment is to be able to distinguish between each person’s unique identities and individual emotions, also known as individuation.
Need help navigating relationships or getting “un-enmeshed” from a controlling parent or a needy partner? Let us know how we can help. See contact information on website contact page.
